Pyramids of Giza: Ancient Engineering, Modern Fuckery

There are certain places on Earth that have been photographed so many times that you start wondering whether seeing them in person can possibly live up to the hype.

The Pyramids of Giza absolutely fucking do.

They’re enormous. Ancient. Completely ridiculous when you consider that humans built these things thousands of years ago without cranes, excavators, CAD drawings, or a Home Depot conveniently located down the street.

Standing underneath the Great Pyramid of Giza is one of those rare travel moments where reality actually exceeds expectations.

Unfortunately, to experience this magnificent achievement of human civilization, you first have to survive Cairo.

And Cairo apparently believes vacations should begin with a stress test.

---

DESTINATION: Pyramids of Giza

---

WELCOME TO EGYPT. FIGURE IT OUT.

My introduction to Cairo started with Egypt’s visa-on-arrival process, which technically qualifies as a process because eventually someone puts a sticker in your passport.

First you find where to buy the visa.

Then determine how you’re supposed to pay for it.

Then find immigration.

Then stand in something resembling a line while wondering whether you’ve completed all the necessary bureaucratic side quests required to legally enter the country.

Eventually, somebody stamped my passport.

Congratulations. You have unlocked Cairo.

Things did not become more orderly from there.

---

CAIRO IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING INSANE

Cairo is loud, crowded, dusty and permanently operating at approximately 137% capacity.

Traffic laws appear to be suggestions.

Lane markings are decorative.

Car horns are apparently an official language.

Pedestrians cross roads using a combination of confidence and complete disregard for mortality.

And then there’s the constant awareness that petty theft, scams and tourist hustles are very much part of the experience.

I had expensive camera equipment with me, so I spent a considerable amount of time keeping track of my surroundings and making sure nobody accidentally became the new owner of it.

Thankfully, I didn’t get robbed.

Travel achievement unlocked.

Then I reached Giza.

And suddenly all the bullshit was worth it.

---

HOLY SHIT. THOSE ARE ACTUALLY THE PYRAMIDS.

There aren’t many famous places that genuinely exceed expectations.

The Pyramids of Giza do.

You’ve seen them thousands of times in photographs, movies, textbooks, documentaries and television programs explaining how aliens obviously built them because apparently humans couldn’t possibly have been clever before YouTube existed.

Then you stand underneath the Great Pyramid of Khufu and realize those little stone blocks you’ve seen in photographs are fucking enormous.

And humans stacked millions of tons of them into a 146-meter-tall pyramid more than 4,500 years ago.

I occasionally fuck up IKEA furniture.

Ancient Egyptians were operating on an entirely different level.

---

TAKE THE CAMEL

You can walk around Giza with everyone else.

Or you can get on a camel and head farther into the desert.

I chose camel, and a totally photogenic one at that.

This was absolutely the correct decision.

Heading southwest away from the busiest areas gives you the classic panoramic view of the pyramid complex stretched across the desert.

Crowds disappear.

Cairo starts fading from view.

Suddenly you’re sitting on a camel staring at thousands of years of human history lined across the horizon.

It’s one of those travel moments where you stop being sarcastic for approximately thirty seconds because the view is genuinely that fucking good.

Then the camel makes some horrifying noise and normal programming resumes.

---

SURPRISE: CAIRO IS RIGHT FUCKING THERE

Photographs have convinced everyone that the pyramids sit alone in some impossibly remote section of the Sahara.

They don’t.

Turn one direction and you’re looking across an ancient desert landscape that hasn’t changed for thousands of years.

Turn around and Cairo is basically sitting in the parking lot.

The city has expanded practically to the edge of the Giza complex.

Which makes getting farther into the desert even better because, with some creative camera positioning, you can temporarily pretend modern civilization doesn’t exist.

Photography is basically professional lying anyway.

---

THE DESERT IS HOT. BREAKING NEWS.

Egypt is hot.

The desert is hotter.

Giza has very little shade and approximately eight billion tons of stone and sand reflecting sunlight directly into your face.

Bring water.

Bring sunscreen.

Cover your head.

Then bring more water.

Nobody wants their lasting memory of one of humanity’s greatest archaeological sites to involve heat stroke and an ambulance.

---

CAIRO SAVED ITS BEST BULLSHIT FOR LAST

Eventually it was time to leave.

I requested a rideshare to Cairo International Airport.

Simple.

Except my driver apparently interpreted this as an opportunity to qualify for Formula One.

We absolutely fucking launched through Cairo.

Cars blurred past.

Lanes became theoretical.

Traffic lights became philosophical questions.

At some point I became reasonably convinced we were approaching the speed where the FAA should have become involved.

But somehow we survived.

The driver pulled up to Cairo International Airport.

I grabbed my luggage.

He disappeared.

And then I discovered one final little detail.

Wrong fucking terminal.

Of course.

Because Cairo wasn’t going to let me leave without one final middle finger.

---

SO… SHOULD YOU VISIT THE PYRAMIDS?

Absolutely.

The visa shenanigans are ridiculous.

Cairo is chaotic as hell.

The traffic is terrifying.

The scams and petty crime require paying attention.

And your rideshare driver may briefly attempt to achieve low Earth orbit.

But none of that changes the fact that standing beneath the Pyramids of Giza is fucking spectacular.

Get there.

See the Great Pyramid.

Walk past the Sphinx.

Get on a camel.

Ride farther into the desert and find the viewpoint where the city disappears and the pyramids stretch across the horizon.

Take the picture.

Then hold onto your wallet and buckle the fuck up.

You’re still in Cairo.